Public Health Announcement

A novel virus, currently named “SpaceX IPO”, is spreading rapidly and presents a significant risk to your financial health. Members of the public are being urged to take precautions.

How Do I Know If I Have The Virus?

Symptoms are wide-ranging but the most important signs of infection are:

-          suspension of common sense

-          believing ridiculous claims

-          intense fear of missing out

Please also be alert to friends and family using terms such as “TAM”, “trillions” or “space economy” and immediately mute them on WhatsApp until this is all over.

How Is The Virus Spread?

The main transmission mechanism is believed to be digital, via exposure to posts on Instagram, TikTok and even LinkedIn. However, there is increasing evidence that physical transmission is possible through newspaper adverts from large retail stockbrokers and giddy cover stories by the financial press.

What Can I Do To Protect Myself?

If you or anyone you know shows these signs, please isolate yourself from digital communications as soon as possible. The gold standard of care is to join a silent meditation retreat for a minimum of 4 weeks, but if this is impractical, please spend as long as possible sitting in silence by yourself, reflecting on how your wellbeing came to rest on the whims of an egomaniacal trillionaire stoking hatred and division while peddling increasingly wild promises that will never be met.

Will There Be A Lockdown?

On the contrary, many institutions have decided to jump straight to the equivalent of the “Eat Out To Help Out” phase of the COVID response, and are offering retail investors the “opportunity” to infect themselves with the virus.

Is There A Vaccine?

Some good news: yes there is. Like most vaccines, the SpaceX IPO vaccine works by giving your body a tiny amount of the virus, so that it can recognise it and produce antibodies if infected. Unlike the COVID-19 vaccine, you will not have to visit a pharmacist or vaccine centre. Instead, if you hold a passive global or US index tracker fund, you will shortly end up having a very small exposure to SpaceX, whether you like it or not. And that may well be more than enough for most people.